Herding Hummingbirds
A border collie is of little help when it comes to herding hummingbirds out of crystal chandeliers in a retirement home dining room. Neither is a badminton racket if the residents are present. This technique was met with hissing and booing when a member of the staff entered the room swinging wildly at the birds. Fortunately, none were smacked out of the air before this technique was abandoned.
The hummingbirds entered the dining room through French doors that were left open while the feeder was being refilled. The residents were not frightened by the birds, but were concerned with getting them back outside so the birds could go about doing what they do.
Arm-swinging and -waving are of little avail if you’re faced with this challenge. No one teaches hummingbird herding, and when there’s an emergency like this, you won’t have time to look it up on Google. There’s nothing on it there, anyway.
The residents who were outraged at the badminton-racket attack soon saw the humor in the situation. Suggestions included getting a cowboy on a cutting horse to usher the birds out the doors. One lady didn’t picture the animal knocking over tables and breaking china. She was worried about the carpet.
A brigade of home employees formed a line while brandishing brooms in the air and advancing on the birds. They promised the residents that they wouldn’t swing the brooms at the birds, just herd them out the door.
The birds may have spent some time humming around West Point, for they quickly employed a fake pincer movement combined with a precision double-flanking operation to divide and conquer the brigade. The brigade charged to the rear in their moment of disgrace, but out of their humiliation, a stellar idea emerged. The same number of troops could present a more formidable front if they held bedsheets aloft while advancing as a great white wall.
The surprised birds, faced with this overwhelming threat, quickly decided it wasn’t worth the effort. They hummed their way out the doors, headed for the red sugar water feeder, and continued their lives as if nothing had happened.
They lived happily doing what hummingbirds do until it was time to head for sunny southern climes. The residents hope that the hummingbirds will have time down south to practice new maneuvers before returning and resuming their attack in the spring. They’re looking forward with eager anticipation for the surprises the hummingbirds will have up their sleeves. Hummmm?
—Dave Kessler
Post Scripts
Spot Check
What’s His Line
Circumstances
No Matter How You Slice It
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