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The Cryobank

Published: March 17, 2015

I was allegedly writing at the Composer’s house the other day when I found myself procrastinating. I visited the cryovault, the online sperm bank.

I couldn’t help myself.

The interface looks exactly like a dating site. Only better. On a dating site, I plug in the general parameters I’m looking for — education, height, or religion — and it spits out hundreds of men in the tri-state area. Thousands, if I lower my standards enough.

At the genetic supply store, I can order up extremely particular and eugenic DNA. So, for instance, say I wanted a 6’3” red head with curly hair, blue eyes, Jewish ancestry, a PhD, 4.3 GPA, type O blood, dimples, a cleft chin, a few freckles, ears that don’t stick out, and a Cupid’s bow lip? He is actually in there.

Me: I have just discovered the build-your-own-burrito bar of sperm.
Composer: You’re not going to order a baby daddy.
Me: But they serve him to go.

Together we viewed the gametes on ice. There are school photos, personality questionnaires, personal statements, voice recordings, and grade reports. The only thing they won’t show is what these generous gentlemen look like all grown up.

Composer: Women who can afford to have babies by themselves probably hire forensic sketch artists.

I would have to make do without adult photos of the contributing member.

Composer: But they name movie-star lookalikes! Would you want to have a baby with Benedict Cumberbatch, Damian Lewis, or Rupert Grint?
Me: Ron Weasley? I couldn’t. That’s not my kink.

The bankers write in-depth essays about the depositors:

Adaptive and bright, with a great sense of humor, Donor 24601’s kind and friendly nature make him a natural to succeed in his chosen field of acting.

Composer: I forbid you to have a baby with an actor.
Me: Is it so terrible to want someone who has a job? Is having a job genetic?

We kept tooling around the datawank:

So easygoing that Donor 8675309 hardly ever stops smiling, so outgoing he began to pursue his passion as a hip-hop artist when he was only in 7th grade.

Composer: Ancestry: German. Jewish Ancestry: No.
Me: It is really not okay that I don’t want someone of German heritage who is also not of Jewish ancestry. But I don’t.

Donor 4815162342 had green eyes and a red vial beside his profile.

Composer: What does the blinking red vial mean?
Me: Running out of stock.
Composer: We have to find out why he’s running low.
Me: Probably because he has a job.
Composer: Oh. 6’3” and Jewish. That’s why.

I thought 4815162342 was the genius of the gene pool.

Me: This one is an actual rocket scientist.
Composer: How would you describe your personality? Proactive.
Me: Does that mean autistic?
Composer: Yes. But at least he has a job.

We indulged in an afternoon at the international house of haploids, a moment of weakness. I don’t really want to single mommy.

Me: I want to celebrate my biological heterosexual privilege; looking at a man I love and thinking, You are so amazing; let’s make more of you in this world.
Composer: I hate children.

I have been totally wrong about the guy so far. But I am fairly certain of my reasons.


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