Home / Humor / Columns / The Dating Project / Help Wanted

Help Wanted

Published: April 7, 2015

I’m not just looking for a partner, I have a pretty awesome trip coming up and need a travel companion: I will go sailing in the Mediterranean with the Commando and the Merman this summer. A wizard gave us a boat.

Wizard: I’ve got a free yacht charter in Croatia, wanna come?
Me: Yes, please.

When an outrageous trip drops in my lap, it is a moral imperative to share my berth. I need someone to fill the position.

Help Wanted: First Mate

Seeking superior quality, able-bodied seaman. Deck candy preferred. Comfortable in close quarters. Sailor costume, optional.

Figureheads, barnacles, and landlubbers need not apply.

Must be willing to captain, stand watch, stand next to the Merman and not be intimidated by his overwhelming hotness. Bring hat, sunglasses, sunscreen.

Must take orders well.

Good with ropes, knots, leads, lines, and sheets, maritime or otherwise. Handiness helps. It helps a lot.

Safety not guaranteed.

Willing to hot bunk, swab the decks, man the helm. Be a lifesaver, but not in a creepy, co-dependent way. Comfortable on a broad reach or on a close reach. Good on the mast and below decks. Have a strong stomach when things get rough.

Must love booze. Must be able to mix it up in the galley. Must mix girly rum drinks and drink them like a man. Yes, with an umbrella in them.

Happy to strip off, dive in, and lay anchor. Maybe also let out a little chain?

Are you a pirate? An adventurer? Like the taste of salt on your lips? There are bays, inlets and harbors to explore. There will be sun. There might be bad weather; we’ll steer through the squalls.

If I bring the bikini, will you show me the stars? I’ve got the boat; you can man the tiller. I will be your galley wench; you can be my rail meat.

This single writer is a deadline junkie and her yacht sets sail in July.


Previous post: The Piano Man, Redacted
Next post: The Piano Man, at Play

Read More:
You might also like ...