So I'm Not Good Enough for You?

So many self-improvement books, The shelves are full-- or so it looks. For me, I take it as a slam; I like me just the way I am.

-- June K. Blake


***

Objectionable Conscientiousness

Wrestling with my conscience Never gets me anywhere; It just keeps telling me What I don't want to hear.

-- S. H. Dewhurst


***

Here's to You!

Cop to the facts, Get with the jive. Use a designated driver, Start next year alive!

-- David O. Carter


***

Judgment Call

A very dignified judge was married to an estimable creature who, unfortunately, drank a bit too much. At a party one afternoon he reproved her.

"My dear, that's the fifth time you've gone up to the bar and asked for another highball. Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Why should it?" she answered happily. "I just explain I'm getting them for you."

-- Thomas La Mance


***

Promissory Note

Each promise my wife may make Has absolute honesty in it, But the one I doubt very much Is her "I'll be ready in a minute!"

-- Henry Boye


***

What Level Is Your Glass?

An optimist is in love with life; a pessimist is in love with strife.

-- Rose L. Korotkin


***

In Consequentialness

My six-year-old grandson, Billy, was misbehaving, so his mother told him, "When you do bad things, you have to live with the consequences." Without pause, he asked eagerly, "Do they have a pool?"

-- Suzan L. Wiener


***

Oh, the Smell of It!

What would the sign say
On the perfume counter
In the department store,
If the perfume shipment
Did not arrive that week?
It would read "Out of Odor."

-- J.O. Young


***

Swing Shift

My golf instructor says I'm doing "just fine." He says I'm missing the ball much closer than I used to.

-- Harvey Holman


***

Retreating a Beat

My doctor is so egotistical that when he takes a woman's pulse, he subtracts ten beats for his personality.

-- Jay Richards


***

Things Never to Say to Your Wife

"Are you really going to wear those shoes?"

"I'm glad we're together, too. Otherwise, I would have to do my own laundry."

"To be honest, you have gained a lot of weight."

"I'm tired of having to make every important decision in this relationship."

"Can't you add this book to what you carry in your bag?"

"Why do you think that I have to use deodorant every day?"

"That's woman's work."

"Sure, you can clean out the garage and throw out whatever you want."

"You know what really bothers me about your family?"

"Our anniversary was yesterday?"

-- Ellis J. Biderson

***

Talk, Talk, Talk

Why do we call it small talk when it comes in such large doses?

-- George Anderson