New Year's ZZZs

I used to ring the New Year in and toast it with champagne.

I used to solo "Auld Lang Syne," all night I'd entertain.

Today I yawn the New Year in, not sing and dance and shout.

I toast it with a glass of milk, then I sleep the Old Year out.

-- Jacqueline Schiff

Disenchanted

I was thrilled to receive a valentine from the cutest little boy in class, until I discovered he'd sent one to every lass.

-- Rose L. Korotkin

Sorry I Asked

A salesman asked the woman who answered the door, "Can you tell me where to find your husband, madam?"

The angry wife answered impatiently, "Why don't you go down to the lake and look for a fishing pole with a worm on each end?"

-- Henry Boye

No Wires Needed

Sophisticated listening devices are nothing new. They've always been called neighbors.

-- Sam Ewing

That's Just Fine!

Sam went to court and received a fine for parking his car in a no-parking zone.

"Do you have anything to say?" asked the judge.

"Yes," he replied. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices."

"What do you mean?" the judge asked.

"The sign said, 'Fine for parking here.'"

-- Vera Emmert Johansen

Hare Splitting

In the obituary column in a small rural newspaper: "Services will be held this Sunday for William Jones, of this village. An avid hunter, he was killed accidentally while crawling under a fence with a loaded shotgun. He is survived by a wife, two children, and a rabbit."

-- Janet Sessions

Love and Broccoli

My friend Eric always had trouble keeping off the pounds. But when I saw him recently, he was slim and fit.

"You look well," I said. "How'd you lose the weight?"

Patting his flat stomach, he said, "My wife read me the diet act."

-- Lawrence P. McGuire

The Games People Pay

During a training program for new employees, I joined several dozen co-workers on a tour of several sites in the Southwest. Our itinerary included an overnight stop in Las Vegas.

As our bus pulled out of the hotel parking lot early the next morning, the instructor stood up in front and greeted us over the vehicle's P.A. system. Reminding us that this trip was supposed to be an educational experience, he asked us what we had learned overnight in Las Vegas.

After a brief silence, a wistful voice from the back of the bus replied, "Never play a game you don't understand!"

-- Jim Burnett

I Take It All Back!

It doesn't take much skin to write a love letter. Getting it back is the tough part.

-- John W. Klase

On the Cutting Edge

A lady was entertaining her friend's small son.

"Are you sure you can cut your meat?" she asked, after watching his struggles.

"Oh, yes," he replied, without looking up from his plate. "We often have it as tough as this at home."

-- Thomas La Mance

In the Same Boat

Matt: "Did you mark the place where the fishing was good?"

Ted: "Yes, I put an 'X' on the side of the boat."

Matt: "That was dumb. What if we use a different boat next time?"

-- Christopher M. Tome

Just Thinking

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

When a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

"It's 'home-cooked'? But I came here to avoid home cooking."