Troubled Waters
My wife, a prekindergarten teacher, labored to keep goldfish and guppies thriving in her classroom aquarium. When her newest boarders departed for that tank in the sky, we journeyed to the local pet megastore. The sales associate asked, "What kind of fish would you like?"
Said my wife: "The kind that lives."
-- Lawrence P. McGuire
***
They Don't Mean "Rock 'n' Roll"
When I was young pursuing my vocation, the initials R and R stood for rest and recreation.
But as years flew by and I aged with grace, those letters now mean repair and replace.
-- Eileen Jones McGoffin
***
Other Fish to Fry
After checking into his motel, a fisherman struck up a conversation with an old man who had been watching TV from his easy chair in the lobby. Curious about fishing conditions in the nearby river and lake, he asked the oldster if he did much fishing around there. No, the old fellow said, he didn't do any fishing, or much else. Then he volunteered an explanation. After he had undergone some life-threatening surgery last year, he said, his doctor had commented:
"You're recovering beautifully, Sam. God must have something he wants you to do here on earth before he calls you home."
"That's why I'm not doing a heck of a lot these days. I don't know what it is God wanted me to do, but I sure don't want to take a chance on getting it done."
-- Walt Starkey
***
Get That Ice, or Else No Dice!
When a young man was about to go out and buy his prospective mate a present for the first time, he asked her size.
"If it's clothes, I wear small," she replied. "If it's diamonds, I wear large."
-- Christopher M. Tome
***
Oh, Dry Up!
A farming community was going through a drought, which prompted a visiting preacher to pray for rain. The following day it rained so hard, it ruined the crops.
"That's what happens when you get a preacher that isn't familiar with agriculture," said one farmer.
-- Thomas La Mance
***
Sister Act
Before our garage sale, with all proceeds going toward the children's after-school center at a local church, Dan, my brother, lectured us that we needed to think of the sale as a business, focusing on the sales and profits.
Sister Angela, who had been involved with the center for many years, smiled at this. As she had told me, her focus was on the good that the sale would yield, the laughter and fun of the kids in the neighborhood. She would not debate this with Dan, but just let things happen for the best.
On the Saturday of the sale, my brother glanced at Angela, standing on the other side of our yard, dressed not in a religious outfit but in what she calls "civilian clothes." He apparently did not recognize her and asked me who she was.
"She," I replied, "is nun of your business."
-- Ellis Biderson
***
Prime Time
I'm officially forty-five and more than glad to be alive. Though middle-aged, ah yes, it's true, I will not say my life's half through. Many live a century plus score, and I intend to live some more. So don't tell me I've passed my prime, I won't listen; this is my time.
-- Deborah A. Dickinson
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"Deer" Me!
A man was walking through the zoo, looking at all the animals. Finally he came to an animal he didn't recognize. It was a baby deer. He walked over to the attendant and asked, "Pardon me, but can you tell me what kind of an animal that is?"
The attendant laughed. "You're kidding. You don't know what that animal is?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Well, what does your wife call you every morning?"
"How do you like that," the man looked at the animal in amazement. "That's a jackass."
-- Thomas La Mance
***
Second Thoughts
The worst thing about having extrasensory perception (ESP) is that friends call you a know-it-before-all.
-- Lawrence P. McGuire
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