Are You a Man or a Mouse?

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."

On fire with enthusiasm, the man rushed home, slammed the door, and growled at his wife. "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. I'm going out with the boys tonight, and you're going to stay home. And another thing, do you know who's going to iron my pants, polish my shoes, and tie my tie?"

"I sure do," replied the wife. "The undertaker."

***

Tough Cookies!

Upstairs in bed, a little old man was gasping for his last breath. Everyone had written him off as terminal, but suddenly he woke up and smelled fresh cookies baking in the kitchen downstairs.

He struggled down the steps and, to everyone's astonishment, appeared in the kitchen where his wife was baking. He saw a tray of cookies and reached out for one.

His wife slapped his hand and said, "Oh, no, you don't! Those are for the funeral!"

***

Rest Assured

After Thanksgiving I always need rest, allowing my food to slowly digest. I turn on the TV, find reruns galore, thankfully knowing that I will soon snore.

-- Robert J. Gaurnier

***

Advice for the Lovelorn

"My husband has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn't even pretend to like me. What should I do?"

"Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one."

***

Fowl Deed

Around holiday time I become nervous and quirky; no leftovers for me--I'm quitting cold turkey.

-- Gall Cooke

***

Step On It!

A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was writing the ticket, she asked, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else seems to get a warning? Is it my face?"

"No, ma'am," replied the officer. "It's your foot."

***

Merry Christmas to You, Too

"Your shopping finished yet, my dear? Your tree all trimmed?" she purrs. Is there any doubt that every year About this time she'll make it clear That hers is?!

-- Maureen Cannon

***

He Wouldn't Let Poor Grandma Join in Any Reindeer Songs

I picked up my four-year-old grand-son from kindergarten, and driving along, he began singing "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer." I like it, too, and though I'm well aware that I cannot carry a tune, I started singing along with him, thinking a four-year-old would not possibly be critical. He stopped singing, and said, "Grandma, please don't sing. You're making my stomach have a headache."

-- Fran Taylor

***

Too-Too Ah-Choo

My aunt was so aristocratic, she refused to come down with the common cold.

-- Lois Muehl