All Hot and Bothered

A mortician was messing around with his new crematory. He goofed up and made a complete ash of himself.

--Gilbert M. Savery

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Get Your Motor Running

A truck driver was sitting at a truck stop counter quietly eating his breakfast when three rough-looking motorcyclists came in. They were bearded, dirty, wearing leather jackets and helmets with weird decals on them. The truck driver looked at them for a moment, and then continued eating his breakfast. The bikers apparently took offense at the way he looked at them.

They sauntered over to the trucker. One knocked over his coffee; another poured syrup on his eggs; and the third one dumped salt and pepper on his head. The trucker took this abuse without saying a word, left a tip, and went over the the cashier. He paid his bill and walked out the door to the parking lot.

“He sure wasn’t much of a man,” one of the bikers said to the waitress as they seated themselves down at a window booth. “He didn’t even put up a fight.”

“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress said as she looked out a window. “He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

--Charles W. Scott

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The Latest Buzz

“If you think you’re too small to make a difference, you haven’t been in bed with a mosquito.”

--email

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Thanks, Honey

A young man was about to meet his new girlfriend’s parents, and he was a bit nervous. “Don’t worry,” she said, “I told them you were smart, handsome, and considerate.”

The young man blushed with pride. “Gosh, honey,” he said. “You didn’t have to tell them that.”

With a wave of her hand she answered, “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’ve been lying to my parents ever since I was a teenager!”

--Tom R. Kovach

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The Short of It

Dieting is mind over fatter.

--Gil Stern

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The Acid Test

A doctor told an elderly patient that if he wanted to cure his cold, he should drink lemon juice after a hot bath. A few weeks later, the patient told the doc, “The trouble is that once I finish the hot bath, I’m too full to drink the lemon juice.”

--Herm Albright

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Shop Early and Save!

When asked why my wife married me, my in-laws publicly scoff:

“All her life she’s been attracted to anything 60 percent off.”

--Harvey Holman

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Smoke and Mirrors

A magician had somehow trained a rat to smoke cigarettes.

After several years of the two performing to packed houses, the rat developed a bad cough.

Magnanimously, the now-wealthy magician decided to wean his longtime little partner off tobacco.

By so doing, the man became the only magician in history ever to pull a habit out of a rat.

--Jill Marie Bonnier

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We Know We’re Getting Old When:

• The clothes we buy now won’t ever wear out.

• We look forward to a dull evening.

• Our secrets are safe with our friends . . . they can’t remember them, either.

• We decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.

--email