When you said you were bringing a "fat cat" home from the office, naturally I thought...

Alright then, we\'ll go with Jenkins\' idea on how to infuse new money into the company. Now, who has the five bucks for the scratch ticket?

That is mistletoe. We like to give every passenger a chance to kiss their luggage good-bye.

Just what's your game.

See! I told you we could order food on-line!

Remind me to ask the Johnsons about Bert's obedience school.

Add paunch.

Can I text just one last message?

Your table should be ready anytime now

It's been like this ever since she learned to work the can opener.

I suppose this makes me a terrible hostess.

I learn a lot of stuff here, but it sure cuts into my day!

Do you have the same thing in Parmesan?

Forgive us our debts as we forgive those who call to harass us about our debts...

Some of the most successful men in history have gone bankrupt once or twice... so don't be afraid to buy me everything I want.

So, try our product for 30 days; if not completely satisfied, try a different product.

Before we do our shopping, son, there's a little something your mother and I would like to discuss with you.

"I know you haven't seen me; your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!"

I've told Ed to find your squeak - just let him ride around in your trunk for a few days.

I couldn't repair your brakes so I made the horn louder.

I'd like to donate my liver to science.

Martha and the kids having gone visiting for the weekend, it wasn't long before Richard was up to his usual mischief.

It's great to finally meet someone I can beat! Same time tomorrow?

"Whatever it is you're making, Dad, may I use it tonight?"

Does this mean you'll have to give up your position at the bank?

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Thanks to these labor-saving devices, I never have a spare second.

Charles has very strong opinions when it comes to art.

I thought a dog would cheer him up.

Mr. Thurlow, your child is here for a hug.

I think my husband will mow the lawn—I've got the TV remote.

I can see my bald spot on Google Earth!

Mrs. Plagendorf, didn't I leave you specific instructions that I am not to be disturbed while court is in recess?

My dad is teaching me how to mow the lawn, fish, and use the grill. I'm teaching him how to Google, text, and use an iPod.

Wanna see the hats we made out of can labels?

Mom, maybe I'd appreciate your baby advice more if I had one.

According to your resume you're my oldest son...could you elaborate on that?

A lot of magazine editors take it. It’s supposed to increase circulation.

It's your teacher. Quick, tell daddy to switch to PBS!

Actually, I don't know how to act my age. I've never been my age before.

Your son passed the hearing test... I think he's just listening-impaired.

Sorry, this table is taken.

Do you get it, so far?

Zip up your jacket and put on your hat... your mother's cold.

He's been awfully smug since he got an R.V.

Stick with practical inventions, Ben—the world just isn't ready for a Benjamin Franklin exercise video.

Fred and I are celebrating our 35th baseball season together.

Frankly, I wish I'd never heard of the "wind-chill factor."

Santa? His name should be Bill!

It's a hearing aid. Obviously you didn't hear me last year.

If elected, I promise to do away with the gift tax.

If you can't sleep nights because of all the promises you made to those trusting little children... I'd say it's time to quit the business.

Yeah, the Christmas stuff looks a little picked over.

It's a dentist! He wants another hundred boxes of rock candy.

They're always talking about The Faith of Our Fathers. Why don't we start talking up The Faith of Our Mothers

Your son passed the hearing test... I think he's just listening-impaired.

Would you now please access Matthew 11:12 on your King James terminal?

If this is such a great story, how come they never made a sequel?

It's baseball fever, Mr. Fisher... you've caught it!

Sorry, but "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" is not a recognized legal precedent.

Stop whimpering and spin the wheel, Hackworth!

My wife thinks that I put football before marriage even though we just celebrated our third season together.

I should caution you that the position you're applying for involves prolonged periods of boredom, punctuated with episodes of overwhelming chaos.

How come it's wrong for you to do my homework, but it's right for me to do yours?

I haven't worked for 30 years. I can't wait to get back behind a typewriter.

Due to late-breaking technological advances, please disregard your freshman year.

Those weren't lies! They were spin!

Yeah, but he always loses to the cat. When he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.

No, no! We attach the IV to the patient's wrist, nurse. We only bill them through the nose.

It was the only way I could get him to mow the yard every week.

I heard the national parks are crowded.

From what I hear, it's the most exclusive beach in the entire state.