September/October 2015 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
The quarterback sits and he stews —
How unfair that his team had to lose!
He can wash his sad face,
But no soap can erase
The stain of the gridiron blues.
—Rose Hester, Brooklyn, New York
Congratulations to Rose Hester! For her limerick describing the John Clymer illustration Quarterback in the Tub (above), Rose wins $25 — and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Rose’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks, from our runners-up, in no particular order:
“Now be a good boy.” His mom said,
“You have to be clean to get fed.
“Though you may be a winner,
“You won’t get your dinner,
“Until I see freckles of red.”—Robert Kennedy, De Pere, Wisconsin
To my team I’m a star on the field.
With my touchdown our title was sealed!
But with Mom at the door,
And my clothes on the floor,
To the soap I will just have to yield.—Lynne Lambert, Plantation, Florida
With helmet and gear on the floor
The game left him dirty and sore
He sat in the tub
To scrub-a-dub-dub
“Will somebody PLEASE shut the door?!”—Steven Hermance, Winnebago, Illinois
The football game was such fun
Tim’s team had finally won!
He came home full of glee
But mom made him flee
To scrub until he was done!—Kathy Rager, Paterson, New Jersey
It had makings of great football lore —
As he ran in the game-winning score!
But his mother said, “Scrub!!”
And “Go soak in the tub!”
The moment he walked through the door.—Mary Starn, Orrville, Ohio
Oh, what an embarrassing score!
My morale’s in that pile on the floor.
I wounded my pride
When I bruised my backside
And I don’t want to play anymore!—Michelle Gordon, Airway Heights, Washington
His helmet and trousers and shirt
And body are covered with dirt.
So slide back that curtain,
Cuz one thing is certain:
An hour-long bath wouldn’t hurt.—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
The game of the year was now past,
They lost, but they fought to the last.
To wash off that grime,
Would take a long time:
But hadn’t the game been a blast?—James A. Lewis, Merrill, Wisconsin
At the end of the game it would be
A win ‘cuz this lad kicked for three
All the fans, they did scream
He was the star of the team
But his mother was head referee!—Linda Van Holtz, Skaneateles Falls, New York
July/August 2015 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
We think of the ’20s as nifty,
Though brokers on Wall Street were shifty,
And this flapper, for one,
Couldn’t ward off the sun
In the absence of SPF-50!
—Jeff Foster, San Francisco, California
Congratulations to Jeff Foster! For his limerick describing Penrhyn Stanlaws‘ illustration Sunburned Sunbather (above), Jeff wins $25 — and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Jeff’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks, from our runners-up, in no particular order:
She planned a whole day at the beach,
A book and a soda in reach,
But her eyes closed in sleep,
No one said a peep,
And now she’s as pink as a peach!—Jean MacIver, Keystone Heights, Florida
Loretta would constantly boast
That HER tans were better than most.
Her bragging subsided,
When a child confided …
“That lady reminds me of toast.”Said Larry the Lifeguard, “Have Fun,
But don’t fall asleep in the sun!”
The late Mrs. Corning
Ignored Larry’s warning
That, “sharks prefer people WELL-DONE.”—Guy Pietrobono, Washingtonville, New York
She was boating, enjoying the view,
And the temperature reached 92.
She burned really bad,
And now she is sad.
Which makes the gal red, white, and “blue.”—Joyce Petrichek, Finleyville, Pennsylvania
It seemed like such a good notion
To spend all day by the ocean
But I’d trade all the fun
I had in the sun
For a gallon of calamine lotion!—Joe McMann, Katy, Texas
There once was a girl named Lorraine,
Who looked at white skin with disdain.
She thought that a tan ,
Would get her a man,
But all that she got was some pain!
—Angie Gyetvai, Old Castle, Ontario, Canada
The sun is a vile, ruthless mobster;
I’m burnt to a crisp like a lobster.
Oh, my, how I sizzle!
My beach day, a fizzle…
Some ointment? I’ll take a great gob, Sir.—Lorraine Ray, Aiken, South Carolina
A fair-skinned young blonde went to Maui
In search of a tan that was Wowie!
Just a half-hour roast
Turned her into burnt toast.
Cool witch hazel eased not her owie.—Claudia Kohlbrenner, Libertyville, Illinois
When Madge changed her first name to Scarlett,
She dreamed of becoming a starlet.
A very dark tan
Was part of her plan,
But now Scarlett really is Scarlet.—Robert Boston, Clive, Iowa
March/April 2015 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
Blow out the candles they say.
I see her coming my way.
A birthday kiss,
She plants without miss.
Ray gasps a muffled, “No WAY!”
—Lisa Radtke, Sussex, Wisconsin
Congratulations to Lisa Radtke! For her limerick describing Francis Tipton Hunter’s illustration Birthday Kiss (above), Lisa wins $25 — and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Lisa’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks, from our runners-up, in no particular order:
Little brother was taking a peek
As she kissed Charlie Clark on the cheek;
When he said, “I’ll tell Mum!”
She replied, “Don’t be dumb,
Or I’ll tell her what you did last week!”
—John Bayly, Hawthorn, Victoria, Australia
They’re young now, but wait till they’re older.
That boy will most likely be bolder.
Then the girl might be shy,
But the gleam in her eye
Will tell him she wants him to hold her.She knew she had made a mistake
When she pilfered the last piece of cake —
There was plenty amiss,
But she gave him a kiss
And went home with a big bellyache.—Linda Meacham,Red Wing, Minnesota
When kissing, a basic technique
Is giving a peck on the cheek.
But sometimes a spy
May be lurking nearby
And instead of a peck, gets a peek.
—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
It’s no fun when a pal sneaks a peek
At a torturous peck on the cheek.
But a blessing is found:
There’s no iPhone around
For an Instagram Pic of the Week.
—Jeff Foster, San Francisco, California
The party kiss left his head in a whirl,
And his toes were beginning to curl.
But a buddy was peeking,
And off he ran, shrieking,
“Hey, Marty was just smooched — by a GIRL!”
—Glenn Hackney, Fairbanks, Alaska
Now, because of a kiss and a squeeze,
He’s the one all his buddies will tease.
But in a few years or more
With girlfriends by the score,
They’ll all want his secrets to please.His face shows no sign of bliss
At receiving so ardent a kiss,
But just 10 birthdays more
And his heart will soar
When he gets one from some pretty miss.
—Colleen Zethmayr, Valley Center, California
Since she first eyed the boy she was smitten.
Waiting for the right chance — what a kitten.
His birthday seemed right
Soon that very night,
With a sweet kiss, the love bug had bitten.
—Janette Hattis, Gowen, Michigan
At a party a fellow named Willie
Got a kiss from a sweetie named Millie.
It was witnessed by Fred.
Willie cried; Mill went red.
Their passion, I think, turned quite chilly!
—Sonia Schork, Sierra Vista, Arizona
This really pretty young girl
Is ready to give love a twirl.
This boy she will kiss
With never a miss,
But is he ready to give love a whirl?
—Ken Groner, Seven Hills, Ohio
Hey, there are no presents back here,
And why are you standing so near?
Let go of my neck!
I don’t want a peck.
I wish that I could disappear.
—Hannah Holt, Hillsboro, Oregon
Jan/Feb 2015 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
There once was a man on two skis,
Schussing around as he pleased.
The story was told,
That he had a cold,
And fell every time that he sneezed.
—Phillip Belfiori, Bel Air, Maryland
Congratulations to Phillip Belfiori! For his limerick describing Constantin Alajálov’s illustration Snow Skier After the Falls (above), Phillip wins $25 — and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Philip’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
There was a young athlete named Grier,
Who fancied himself quite the skier.
Well, he could be best
When put to the test —
If only he’d learned how to steer.
—Michelle Gordon, Airway Heights, Washington
On the slopes we were going our fastest
When a good-looking girl came to pass us
My buddy got lost
And paid the cost
Now I’m out a new pair of glasses
—Brite Templeton, Scottsdale, Arizona
If losing your clothes as you go
Makes skiing much faster than slow
How quickly you’ll fly
When the last pole goes by
As bare-skinned you tear through the snow
— Clarissa Jahn, Taylor Ridge, Illinois
He thought it would be such a breeze
To learn how to use his new skis.
Such delusions of youth!
He’s discovered the truth:
It requires some real expertise.
—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
This wee bunny hill is a snap
I could run it while taking a nap
You can see this is so
From clear prints in the snow
The facts bear this clearly, Old Chap
—Betty Checkett, St. Louis, Missouri
A terrible skier from Wight
Filled all on lookers with fright;
But each time he fell
He declared, “Oh, well, ”
It’s not easy to be upright!
—Sally Butler, Frostburg, Maryland
I skied down a treacherous slope
Of grace I had clearly no hope!
I lost this and that-
Scarf, mittens and hat
And managed to look like a dope!
—Peggy Proud-Edwards, Aurora, Illinois
To do my personal best
Is today’s daunting test,
I’ll be able to say
I did it my way,
No keeping up with the rest!
—Marilyn Zielke, Bruce, Wisconsin
Nov/Dec 2014 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
There’s an axiom simply absurd
That says boys should be seen and not heard.
But this lad was so weak,
That he just couldn’t speak
After eating the whole of that bird!
—Keith Channing, Saint-Maigner, Puy-de-Dome, France
Congratulations to Keith Channing! For his limerick describing J.C. Leyendecker’s illustration After Turkey Nap (above), Keith wins $25 — and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Keith’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
In school there had been nothing but rushes
To learn all about ,,, and +++.
But now in his bed,
Soft pillow for head,
His sleep takes away all the fusses
—Val Cheatham, Witchita, Kansas
This chap’s full of great Christmas dinner.
The wishbone is his. He’s a winner,
But if he keeps snoozing,
He could end up losing
His prize to a bone-stealing sinner.
—Janice Canerdy, Potts Camp, Mississippi
The boy is Patrick O’Loring.
He thinks Thanksgiving is boring.
Before mom could serve
The mashers with herbs,
The kid was already snoring.
—Jimmy Peterson, Houston, Texas
The wishbone attests to his meal,
And turkey has lost its appeal.
The laddie is stuffed.
His tummy is puffed.
Nap time has set in for real.
—Fran Million, Fremont, Nebraska
There was a young fellow named Ned,
Who needed to get to his bed.
Though dinner had ended,
With grown-ups long winded,
He had to recline just his head.
—Joan O’Kelley, Hoschton, Georgia
For you and your pal’s wish to come true
You both gotta snap that wishbone in two,
So let’s start by ignoring
The sleeping and snoring—
Grab that wishbone and do more than just chew.
—Terry Free, Andover, Minnesota
This sleepy boy isn’t so tough.
He’s had a hard day — it’s been rough.
If he can’t stay alert,
He’ll miss his dessert.
He’s eaten quite more than enough.
—Joye Greenwalt, Nacogdoches, Texas
The climax of Thanksgiving Day —
His new dreams are well underway.
High hopes he’ll postpone.
He’ll save that wishbone
‘Cause Christmas ain’t that far away.
—Lynnda Cruz, Las Vegas, Nevada
Thought the food for the feast was complete
Till I saw how my nephew could eat.
He kept asking for more.
Had to run to the store.
Then, at last, he dozed off in his seat!
—JoAnn White, Westfield, Massachusetts
This hungry American chap
Ate every last smidgen and scrap.
Now dinner has ended.
(And wasn’t it splendid!)
It’s time for a well-deserved nap.
—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
The little boy’s smile was a winner,
As he eyed the remains of his dinner.
A turkey surprise
Too big for his eyes
Made him snooze ’til his tummy got thinner.
—Alison Webster, Birmingham, West Midlands, United Kingdom
Sept/Oct 2014 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
I asked on her annual all-nighter
Did the moon glow make Halloween brighter?
She gave nary a blink,
But with one naughty wink,
Said, “Moonshine makes broomsticks much lighter.”
—Terry Free, Andover, Minnesota
Congratulations to Terry Free! For her limerick describing Eugene Iverd’s illustration Witches’ Night Out (above), Terry wins $25 — and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Terry’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
There once was a witch named Min
Who owned an unfortunate chin.
And, to add to her woes,
Just look at her nose!
It seems the poor thing just can’t win!—Betty Checkett, St. Louis, Missouri
October above Cincinnati:
A witch who’s a little bit catty
Is stuck in a jam.
She believes it’s a scam,
And it’s certainly driving her batty.—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
That witch is one scary sight
As she flies on her broom through the night.
Small children decide
That it’s safer inside
As they cover their heads in their fright.—Pat Chambers, Atlantic Beach, North Carolina
Brunhilda, the witch, and her broom
Through gloomy dark nights they would zoom.
A bat got in the way
To Brunhilda’s dismay;
They crashed with a real loud KABOOM.—William MacQuarrie, Omaha, Nebraska
The wicked old witch of the East
By moonlight seeks out a great feast.
She dines on dead lizards.
Seeks out bloody gizzards,
And sweets is what she likes the least.—John Meyer, LaJolla, California
The sickening things that were seen
In the sky made me turn yellow-green.
When the goblins and witches
Caused tremors and twitches,
I knew it must be Halloween.—Ronald Faoro, Cheshire, Connecticut
At the sight of this black magic shower,
I crawled under my bed and did cower.
Were they looking for souls
To drag into dark holes?
Or was it the witches’ rush hour?—Patrick McKeon, Pennington, New Jersey
Miss Grizelda and all of her crones
Were preparing to rattle some bones,
But their plans went awry
When, out of the sky,
Came a pack of mysterious drones!—Vivian Barrington, Jasper, Texas
Air traffic is busy tonight
and advancing takes all of my might!
With no zip or zoom
just a wobbly old broom,
a plane might be better for flight!—Dolores M. Sahelian, Mission Viejo, California
In spite of their usual contentions,
The witches show up at conventions.
They must be there soon
By the light of the moon.
Their union is asking for pensions.—Rosemary Lombard, Hillsboro, Oregon
July/Aug 2014 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
The cow that jumped over the moon
Crashed our picnic today at noon!
We’re in udder despair;
We’re missing a pair
’Cause the dish ran away with the spoon!
—Katharine Wallace, Florence, Alabama
Congratulations to Katharine Wallace! For her limerick describing J.C. Leyendecker’s illustration Cow Joins the Picnic (above), Katharine wins $25 — and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Katharine’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
Hey! Why are you running away?
I only came over to play.
And this prob’ly sounds rude,
But could I have some food?
I do get quite tired of hay.—Margie Eisenhower, Rancho Cordova, California
There once was a cow named Louise,
Who wandered around in the breeze.
She spotted a bunch
Who were eating lunch,
And chased them away with a sneeze.—Peter Bosse, Millis, Massachusetts
The next time I wish on a star
I’ll be careful just what my words are.
Because I love steak,
I made a mistake,
And forgot to say grilled in a bar.—Ross Simpson, Wickenburg, Arizona
Now this scene may look bad at first glance,
All those people scared out of their pants.
But I’ve got a hunch
At that nice picnic lunch
That cow also squashed all the ants.—Paul Troglia, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
They had eaten so much ’twas a sin.
So they sliced their dessert cake quite thin.
But they never did eat
Cause they all had to beat it
When a guest, uninvited, horned in.—John Peacock, West Dundee, Illinois
The farmer forgot to milk Daisy,
Partaking a chance to be lazy.
Their picnic got messed
As she crashed through their nest,
Since milk weight was driving her crazy!—Doreen Graham, Calgary, Alberta, Canada
There once was a family named Dunn,
A picnic, they thought,
would be fun.
But Bossy showed up
uninvited to sup,
How fast that made Mama Dunn run!—Dianne Boylan, Lowell, Indiana
There once was a friendly bovine
Who thought eating out was divine.
She’s loving the picnic.
The cake is terrific.
And eating alone is just fine.—Cindy Nutter, Coon Rapids, Minnesota
A cow with a hoof in our pie,
Was complaining quite loudly, “Oh, my!
“The herd’s due for tea,
“Grass-cookies at three,
“But your picnic is covering the rye!”—Caralou Strahley, Paulding, Ohio
There was a young heifer named Rhonda
Who, into a picnic, did wanda
Then she thought in surprise,
As folks ran for their lives,
“What a pity they couldn’t stay longa.”—Michelle Gordon, Airway Heights, Washington
May/June 2014 Limerick Laugh Winner and Runners-up
His well-bred gentility sold her,
But then he began to get bolder.
So our cool-headed Midge
Put the flower in the fridge
After giving her date the cold shoulder.
—Jeanne Kaufman, Boulder, Colorado
Congratulations to Jeanne Kaufman! For her limerick describing M. Coburn “Coby” Whitmore’s illustration Prom Memento (above), Jeanne wins $25 — and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Jeanne’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
With a touch, the door echoes her sigh,
And the scent of romance dances by
From the small space reserved,
Where her dreams are preserved,
Tucked between last night’s roast and the pie.
— Carrie Clickard, Gainesville, Michigan
She hummed to herself the prom ballad.
Her wish to preserve it was valid.
But her piece of the past
Wasn’t destined to last;
Her grandma mixed it in the salad.
— Patrick McKeon, Pennington, New Jersey
The prom was all right, I suppose.
For dinner he took me to Joe’s.
This Patty McDougal
Was way beyond frugal.
For dessert he suggested my rose.
— Andrew Janik, Hadley, New York
The evening has come to a close.
It’s here I am saving my rose
And thinking of Hughes
With humongous shoes—
Oh, let there be ice for my toes!
— Georgia Suprenant, St. Anne, Illinois
The gala was really quite splendid!
But now that the evening has ended,
I’ll save the corsage,
To be an homage,
For I hope he’ll become my intended!
— Karen Mueller, Oak Harbor, Washington
After dancing all through the night,
She’s reminded in limited light,
Though her tootsies are weary,
Her date was a dearie,
His choice of a flower just right!
— Larry Mann, Danville, Virginia
It’s 1:25. I’m awake
And searching for something to bake.
Hugh left me a flower
But come on, at this hour?
I don’t want romance — I want cake.
— Samuel Zifchak, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
She stores her corsage from prom night
And knows one day at its sight,
She will reminisce
The night’s front porch kiss,
Cut short when dad turned on the light!
— Angie Gyetvai, Oldcastle, Ontario, Canada
To remember this night’s celebration,
I’ll hold onto this lovely carnation.
And hope it will last
As a memory past
With the help of some refrigeration.
— Steve Pavelich, Grand Blanc, Michigan
The night at the prom was pure bliss,
Including the thrill of first kiss.
The gardenia shall wilt.
The boyfriend will jilt.
But right now “oh the joy” for this miss.
— Sally Havens, Dublin, Ohio
March/April 2014 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
There once was a rooster named Sunny
In love with a young hen named Honey.
Pink, yellow, and blue
Her eggs were a clue
She’s more than just friends with the Bunny.
—Jane Yunker, St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin
Congratulations to Jane Yunker! For her limerick describing Kenneth Stuart’s illustration (above), Jane wins $25—and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Jane’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
She’s obviously proud of her layin’
Old Rudy’s concern he’s displayin’
But back in the coop
The girls know the scoop.
And who is the Dad they’re not sayin’
—Steve Boneske, Greenfield, New York
Said Rooster to his own dismay:
“Not my hens, such eggs, no way!
There’s but one cock so bold
To make me cluckhold;
That rascal they call Fabergé!”
—William D. Conrad, Vancouver, Washington
They couldn’t tell who was who,
Each egg was a different hue.
Though the hen smiled,
The rooster was riled.
Oh what a ‘fowl’ thing to do!
Louis DiSanto, St. Paul, Minnesota
The rooster who crowed to his honey
Was alarmed when their eggs turned out funny,
He screeched to his hen
“We’ll try it again,
“After donating this batch to the Bunny.”
—Terry Free, Andover, Minnesota
When he looked down, the rooster recoiled
As his plans for a family were spoiled.
While the eggs all looked good
He gave up fatherhood
When he saw that his kids were hardboiled.
—John Peacock, West Dundee, Illinois
Alas, my curiosity begs.
What have you done to those eggs?
The last I knew
My blood line was blue.
Could they have walked in without legs?
—Andrew Janik, Hadley, New York
The hen liked her colored eggs best,
Having left the plain ones in the nest.
But the haughty old rooster,
No Easter egg booster,
Told her to go sit on the rest.
—Ben Lightfoot, Hanston, Kansas
Of all the ridiculous things!
My poor decorated offsprings.
When hatched from the eggs,
They’ll have stems for legs,
And petals all over their wings!
—Angie Gyetvai, Oldcastle, Ontario
This new batch of eggs that we’ve gotten?
I’m feeling like something is rotten.
You’re trying to hide
Some tail on the side,
A tail that (I’m betting) is cotton.
—Jim Schweitzer, Elkhorn, Wisconsin
January/February 2014 Limerick Laughs Winner and Runners-Up
I’ve been shovelin’ this sidewalk for hours,
And it’s quite nearly robbed all me powers.
But the toil’s not the reason,
Tis all of the sneezin’.
You see’s, I’m allergic to flowers.
—John Eggerton, Springfield, Virginia
Of course, John’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
A florist named Tropical Joe
Was weary of shoveling snow.
His balmy green thumb
Froze up and turned numb,
And resentment was all he could grow.
—Michelle Barnes, Gainesville, Florida
My job as a sweeper is tough;
I really have had quite enough.
I surely am through,
Because all I do
Is heave around forkfuls of fluff.
—David Warren, Lake Oswego, Oregon
It’s hard to clean up snow,
You can’t use a rake or a hoe.
A shovel is best
When put to the test,
Until the wind starts-in to blow.
—Cathy Fleming, Coal City, Illinois
This cold weather gives me the blues.
It freezes my gloves and my shoes.
I shovel this stuff,
But I’ve had enough—
Next winter I’m booking a cruise!
—Mary Starn, Orrville, Ohio
Forecasters do have a knack
For inches of snow keeping track.
Some think it’s pretty.
But for those in the city,
The snow is a pain in the back.
—Tim Cannon, Osceola, Iowa
Although I don’t mean to be picky,
This weather’s incredibly icky.
Too bad there’s a guard in
the front of that garden.
Now getting inside will be tricky.
—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
There was an old fellow named Cox,
Who spent his life shoveling rocks.
Said he got his powers
From sniffing the flowers;
He was a delightful old fox.
—Bill Jones, Johnstown, Pennsylvania
The shop called the Tropical Bloom
Is filled with a floral perfume
That’s cheerful and gracious,
A delightful oasis,
From winter’s unstoppable gloom.
—Buffy Silverman, Augusta, Michigan
It is not really quite apropos
That the flower men must shovel snow.
But they must sell their posies
If it means frozen toesies,
Since the bank account’s running so low.
—Patrick McKeon, Pennington, New Jersey
There once was a shoveler named Ray,
A situation he thought gross and gray.
He hated ice slush
Like so much dead mush,
So he hopped the next flight to L.A.
—Terry Free, Andover, Minnesota
Oh me, oh my, what a mess.
This will certainly be a test
For two men with shovels
To be quick on the double,
So ladies will not be distressed.
—Judy Shannon, Huntsville, Missouri
November/December 2013 Limerick Laughs Contest Winner and Runners-Up
How angelic these little boys look
As they sing from their pretty red book.
But two like to fight
To punch and to bite,
And one has a killer right hook.
— Curt Bench of Salt Lake City, Utah
Of course, Curt’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
In-choir-ing minds want to know:
Does it matter who struck the first blow?
After punching and kicking,
They both took a licking,
But still sang like angels—bravo!
— Barbara Blanks of Garland, Texas
At nine Sunday morn was a scuffle.
Lil’ Timmy and Joe had a tussle.
By nine-thirty a.m.,
They were choirboys again
And would later decide who had muscle.
— Cindy Cowan of Santa Rosa, California
Their songs on the wings of a dove
Rise up to the heavens above
We all quickly learnt
That angels they weren’t
When one gave another a shove.
— Randy Imwalle of Hilliard, Ohio
Today I can sing as a flute,
And those who do hear have a hoot,
My tooth’s on the ground,
The hole makes a sound,
Now I can both sing and can toot.Today I do wear a black tie,
I’m glad that it matches my eye,
For colors I know,
Do make a good show,
And that I most surely do try.
— M. Sakran of Porter, Texas
These spirited boys of the choir
Have voices the angels admire,
Which were put on display
During recess today:
“You did too!” “I did not!” “You’re a liar!”
— Jeff Foster of San Francisco, California
They tell us to sing for the crowd,
But Tommy is singing too loud.
I have nothing to bring,
So my gift for the King
Is to sing pa-rum-pa-pum-POW!
—Stephen Bascom of Beverly, Washington
There once was a choir of boys
Whose singing was nothing but noise
Their voices were loud
Yet, their parents were proud
And couldn’t contain all their joys.
— Eileen Owens of Smyrna, Tennessee
In fairness, the minister might
Be blamed for this pititful sight.
He said, “Treat each other
Like sister and brother.”
And you know how siblings will fight.
— Peggy Rodebaugh of Arlington, Texas
There once were two boys from St. Pat
Who had a bit more than a spat
Said one to the other,
“I’ll tell my big brother.”
But Father put a stop to all that.
— Mary Louise Flanneary of Las Vegas, Nevada
September/October 2013 Limerick Laughs Contest Winner and Runners-Up
The things I would do for Mom’s pie.
Her apple’s the best you could try,
With flavor so sweet,
A delectable treat.
When asked to get fruit, I comply.
—Doreen Graham of Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Of course, Doreen’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
When bobbing for apples, it’s true,
My sister knows just what to do.
You’d think from the bubbles
She’s having some troubles,
But she’s practiced static apnea too.
—Finley Gray of Depew, New York
There once was a schoolgirl named Grace
Who decided to enter a race
To bob for a pippin
But came up a-drippin’
With water all over her face.
— Ronald Faoro of Cheshire, Connecticut
She immerses her face with a grin,
The apple bob she wants to win.
It might make her wish,
That she was a fish,
Endowed with some gills and a fin!
—Angie Gyetvai of Oldcastle, Ontario, Canada
There once was a tomboy named Lou
Who bobbed head-to-head in the brew.
Her bob was quite ruthless
And left her one tooth less.
So what do you think—should she sue?
—Terry Free of Andover, Minnesota
The apple bobbed temptingly there,
So she tied back her long braided hair.
She closed her eyes tight
And attempted to bite,
But she lost it and came up for air.
—Bill Kohler of Derby, Connecticut
A pretty young girl named Robin
Had a hungry old horse named Dobbin.
To give him a bite
On this Halloween night,
For Dobbin, Miss Robin went bobbin’.
—Robert Alexander of Chattanooga, Tennessee
The girl had a very strange way,
If asked, here is what she would say,
“I dunk in my head,
‘Cause my doctor said
I must eat an apple a day.”
—Lenna Wyatt of Scottsdale, Arizona
There once was a girl called Lucy
Who went bobbing for apples so juicy.
She’d plunge underneath,
Make grabs with her teeth,
But shouldn’t have in a jacuzzi.
—Tom Williams of Waterlooville, Hampshire, UK
It’s said that an apple a day
Keeps all of the doctors away.
So in order to thrive,
I’ll take that cold dive!
It’s healthcare the easiest way!
—Mary Starn of Orrville, Ohio
A lass, who dived in past her chin,
Bobbed for apples, pulling up more than 10!
“If I blow through my nose
And keep my eyes closed,
I don’t see the worms. Double win!”
—Cathy Hall of Lilburn, Georgia
July/August 2013 Limerick Laughs Contest Winner and Runners-Up
Just heat up the milk in some water—
The least you can do for her daughter.
She’s gracing your scene
With a figure serene.
You’re gonna make more than you oughta.
—Joan Kelley, Tucson, Arizona
Congratulations to Joan Kelley! For her limerick describing George Hughes’ illustration (left), Joan wins $25—and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, submit your limerick via our online entry form.
Of course, Joan’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite limericks from our runners-up, in no particular order:
Henry, the short order cook,
Liked doing things by the book.
So warming a bottle
For Mrs. McCottle
Would certainly get her the look.—Philip Lindal, Yale, Michigan
The day at the beach was fun,
But it soon got hot in the sun.
The baby rode
While I pushed the load—
An hour and I was done.—Audrey Jordan, Hope, Indiana
His face was filled with chagrin,
Noting the spot he was in.
She sat so demur,
But of this he was sure,
Heating bottles did not make him grin.—Robert Webster, Port Charlotte, Florida
I’m warming this bottle for you,
Cute baby with eyes of true blue.
Your mom’s smokin’ hot,
Wedding ring she has not,
How I wish I was still 22!—Lori Rucker, Brentwood, Tennessee
The man, while he looks with distain
At the woman who he thinks is vain,
Heats in his pot,
The milk, till its hot.
Will she order some food? She abstains.—John Reuscher, Novato, California
The baby will have to be fed.
The vendor plays nursemaid instead
Of selling his wares;
He just stands and stares
And frowns as the lady turns red.—Lillian Holmes, Troy, Ohio
A cook grilling franks, and a beauty,
Attended, each one, to their duty.
Though each job had a name,
The result was the same.
They both kept an eye on a cutie.—Patrick McKeon, Pennington, New Jersey
The chef at the beach hot-dog stand
Did not relish giving a hand.
A coke she did buy,
But he gave a mean eye
Cause the milk bottle was underhand.—Antoinette DeAngelis, Sharpsville, Pennsylvania
Warming a bottle, not food,
May seem an odd way to intrude.
But if the intrusion
Is a pretty illusion,
Consider a new attitude.—Richard Arnold, West Hartford, Connecticut
May/June 2013 Limerick Laughs Contest Winner and Runners-Up
That girl in the pretty red dress
Is stuck in a terrible mess
Some nasty old boy
Has stolen her toy
No wonder she’s under such stress
—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
Congratulations to Neal Levin! For his poem describing the illustration at left by J.C. Leyendecker, Neal wins $25—and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, you can submit your limerick via the entry form here.
Of course, Neal’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite runners-up, in no particular order:
Bobby’s swinging my dolly so high.
I’m afraid she might fall from the sky.
He offered me first,
But I feared the worst,
So I told him my dolly’s not shy.—Rollin Keller, Lakewood, California
Jack does not impress me at all
By snatching my favorite doll.
His daredevil fling
Proves only one thing—
He’s just an obnoxious goofball.—Lynnda Cruz, Las Vegas, Nevada
My brother—how daring is he?
I just can’t believe what I see!
My favorite doll—
I hope she won’t fall.
But I wish (how I wish) it was me …—Doug Harris, Stockton-on-Tees, England
I once had a brother named Paul,
Who suddenly grabbed my best doll.
He swung her around
Barely missing the ground,
And I just couldn’t watch this at all.—Maggie Govanucci, Monroeville, Pennsylvania
Big brother was such a great tease
When taunting Samantha with ease.
Little sis couldn’t look
When her dolly he took
A ride on the backyard trapeze.—Jean Roeth, Springfield, Ohio
No matter how hard he tries,
My brother tells little white lies.
He said it would please her
If he could “trapeze” her.
I just hope my baby survives!—Sheldon R. Mielke, Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin
I’m the kid on the flying trapeze.
Dolly rides as I swing by my knees.
Sis peeks through her fingers,
And though her fear lingers,
She knows I just do it to tease.—Joy Smith, Burlington, Wisconsin
From nowhere he suddenly came,
A boy playing some kind of game.
He snatched up my dolly,
My favorite sweet Molly,
He still seems to suffer no shame.—Marie Kreft, Arlington, Minnesota
She peeked through her fingers with hope
That her brother would stay on the rope.
For if he slipped from his seat,
To the floor he would leap,
And her doll would need more than just soap.—Warren S. Patrick, Townshend, Vermont
March/April 2013 Limerick Laughs Contest Winner and Runners-Up
I’m making this cake for a few
Of all of our brave lads in blue,
For Casey and Ryan
And Patrick O’Brien
And all of the other cops too!
—Philip Lindal, Yale, Michigan
Congratulations to Philip Lindal! For his poem describing the illustration by Albert W. Hampson, Philip wins a monetary award—and our gratitude for a job well done. If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, you can submit your limerick via the entry form here.
Of course, Philip’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite runners-up, in no particular order:
Old, gray, but still a bit frisky,
Not afraid to do something risky,
She’d win their hearts over
When inside the clover
They find the fine pint o’ whiskey.—Ken Elinsky, Solon, Ohio
Had a cake, made from scratch, it was true,
For the boys, who worked hard, wearing blue.
As I tripped at the door
And the cake hit the floor,
There was nothing to say but “Boohoo!”—JoAnn White, Watertown, New York
Ms. O’Malley did make a great cake
For the boys at the station to take.
And her boy in the clink
Should be out in a blink.
One bite, and they’d know their mistake.—Mark Blackwell, Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina
This woman, though not very lean,
Is this year’s St. Patrick’s Day queen.
Does her cake have a hint
Of lime or of mint?
Who cares, just as long as it’s green.—Neal Levin, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
My neighbor, Miss Brigid O’Connor,
Baked shamrocks in Saint Paddy’s honor.
The pretty green icing
Turned out quite enticing,
Since good fairies’ spells were upon her.—Caroline Sposto, Memphis, Tennessee
Oh, she was an expert cake maker,
An icer as well as a baker.
But seeing her size,
We can all surmise
That she was an often partaker.—Cornelius Jonker; Grand Rapids, Michigan
The police well-deserve this cake treat.
Her inscription sure made it complete.
This shamrock design
Will suit the cops fine,
But it’s almost too pretty to eat!—Mary Collins Ryan; Bradford, Pennsylvania
A labor of love, this creation,
For “my boys” down at the station.
Takes hours to make
This type of cake,
But I am so proud of their dedication.—Virginia Wilson; Port Orange, Florida
Jan/Feb 2013 Limerick Laughs Contest Winner and Runners-Up
My Loveliest Annabel Lou,
This love note is perfect for you—
“Love” is here written,
An arrowed-heart’s splittin’—
But Edgar has bought you one, too.
—Patrick Murtha, Saint Marys, Kansas
Congratulations to Patrick Murtha! For his poem describing the illustration by Dick Sargent, Patrick wins a cash prize—and our gratitude for a job well done.
If you’d like to enter the Limerick Laughs Contest for our upcoming issue, you can submit your limerick via the entry form here.
Of course, Patrick’s limerick wasn’t the only one we liked! Here are some of our favorite runners-up, in no particular order:
Old Cupid had hit his mark true,
But Romeo did not have a clue.
Hand in his pocket,
Heart like a rocket,
This strange thing called love was brand new.—Randy Imwalle, Hillard, Ohio
The lad’s plagued by a problem quite dire,
Since impressing that girl will require
That he spend from his stash
At least some of the cash
That he’d saved for a brand new bike tire.—Patrick McKeon, Pennington, New Jersey
Though young, he finds himself smitten.
Perhaps that old love bug has bitten?
He stays out of the way
Before Valentine’s Day,
And ponders some words sweetly written.—Kathie Rosier, East Aurora, New York
The words in the card are risky.
She might find them much too frisky.
Yes, spells delight;
No, would sure bite.
Stuff like this drives men to whiskey.—John Dischinger, Spring Valley, California
A romantic card that just couldn’t miss.
He fantasized about their first kiss,
But when push came to shove,
Said, “I may be in love,
But I ain’t wasting a quarter on this!”—Ken Elinsky, Solon, Ohio
Sweethearts in verse made him pause,
Linger and read them because
Cards showed one’s heart
And reading that part
Made him wonder just what love was.—Dietre McCormick, Carlisle, Iowa
The young man was thoughtfully weighing
The sentiment this card was conveying.
For he needed to find
Just the right Valentine
To say what he thought needed saying.—Paul H. Madsen, Columbia Heights, Minnesota
Oh, what a dilemma for Billy!
The mushy cards strike him as silly.
His feelings are true,
So what should he do?
He may pick a card—but will he?—Elizabeth Silverthorn, Salado, Texas
A Valentine card is a feature
To send to a beautiful creature.
But his mother was firm
That he pass school this term,
So he has to send love to his teacher.—Ruth Porter, Albany, Oregon