Here on Main Street: If I Gave a Commencement Address

Good morning!

I’d like to thank the school for inviting me here today. It’s an honor to speak to all of you future lawyers, doctors, nurses, writers, accountants, sales people, teachers, YouTube influencers, and victims of viral social media challenges.

As I look out at the sea of caps and gowns out there, at your fresh faces and overwhelming energy, I keep thinking one thing: God I’m old.

I don’t know what sort of wisdom or advice I can give you, since I don’t know how successful I have been in my life. But then again, you’re probably on your phone right now and not really listening to me so I may as well keep talking and see if any of this sticks.

I’ve decided to talk to you in list form, since everyone has ADHD now and can’t handle anything longer. Everybody loves lists, right? (Hold for applause and cheers.)

Ready?

1. If someone says to you that your college years will be the best years of your life, run away from that person as quickly as possible. That’s just depressing.
2. “I’m not really sure what to do next” is not a valid reason to go to graduate school.
3. Don’t be one of those people who constantly talks about their grades, their athletic achievements, or anything else that happened in school. People stop caring about those things approximately five minutes after you leave here today.
4. Save money. Trust me, having money is better than not having money, even if you’re an “artist.”
5. Good credit is more important than love. You’ll find love eventually, but if you have bad credit you’re in trouble.
6. If you fail at something, don’t freak out about it. You really do learn as much from your failures as you do your successes.
7. If you find yourself in jail, act crazy. The others will stay away from you.
8. When you get a job you’re going to meet a lot of jerks. Get used to it.
9. Read books, of all kinds. Read, read, read.
10. Move out of your hometown. And if you want/need to live there, live someplace else first and then move back.
11. Sunny weather is fine. But learn how to love the rain and snow too.
12. Don’t tweet. Nothing good ever happens on Twitter. (I know, it’s called X now but it doesn’t sound right to say “don’t X”).
13. It’s amazing what a simple “thank you” or “I’m sorry” will do. For the person you say it to and also yourself.
14. Kindness is a superpower.
15. Don’t envy anyone. It’s a waste of time.
16. Have an interest in things that happened before you were born. People, events, books, movies, TV, music, everything.
17. You can’t control what other people do. But you can control how you react to it.
18. Naps are underrated.
19. New Year’s Eve is overrated.
20. Underbake cookies a little bit. 
21. Don’t put tomatoes in the fridge. 
22. Spelling, punctuation, and grammar still matter. Even if it’s a text or an email.
23. You can never have too many batteries. 
24. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they act at the supermarket. Say hello to the cashier, put the divider after your groceries for the next person, and return your cart to the corral when you’re done.
25. Don’t be the type of person who would go on a reality show.

There you have it. I know a lot of that advice won’t help you rise to the top of your profession or make you famous or help you make a lot of money. That’s it, that’s the end of that sentence.

And if I can leave you with the most important life advice you’ll ever hear, it’s this: Put down your phone. Seriously, just put it down.

Thank you! And good luck!