Stefan (Shoebill Stork)
42, Tanzania
Lemme tell you right now — no one needs a wingman when you’ve got a wingspan like mine.
I’m a fairly intense swamp king just looking for my queen. My ex ran off with one of those 6’5”, big-eyed ostriches who work in finance. I’m 5 feet tall on a good day and I don’t have a trust fund like Brandon the girlfriend stealer, but I’ve got a 750 credit score and Netflix Premium. Let’s get together and look for some lungfish.
Likes: Standing motionless for hours, prolonged silences, flying really slowly, Capricorns
Dislikes: Guys who work in crypto, Hitchcock films starring Tippi Hedren, Geminis
Maurice (Aye-Aye)
57, Madagascar
Hello from the nocturnal ninja! Are you hot to trot? Totally unleashed? Say aye-aye cause I’m your guy! I’m a night owl looking for someone who is ready to party until the cows come home; swipe right if you’re not a scaredy cat.
I enjoy intense eye contact.
Likes: Pigging out on nectar, watching wild goose chases on ESPNature, intimate conversations with diminutive fowl
Dislikes: Winged insects with no work/life balance, pachyderms who drop by unannounced, movies starring lemurs who ascend to the throne
Cassandra (Anglerfish)
36, Mariana Trench
I’m only doing this so my mother will leave me alone. Jeez — you bring home ONE goblin shark and family dinner turns into a titanic mess. What can I say? I like bad boys.
I’m a leader. Some say I have a light around me, something that just lures folks in. I capitalize on my magnetism and I can show you how to be successful too! Just wait until I introduce you to the vegetarian supplements and seawater cleanses that changed my life.
By the way, I don’t know the anglerfish from Finding Nemo, so please stop asking.
Likes: The Odyssey, affordable dental insurance
Dislikes: Flossing
Larry (Sea Lamprey)
60, Newfoundland
If you can believe it, I’m a former sea sponge salesman turned content creator. I retired early when the coral reef shut down a few years ago and now I make videos about vampires on my YouTube channel, Learn with Larry Leach.
I’m looking for a short-term relationship. I don’t mean to sound clingy but my love language is touch. I’m passionate and I consume whatever I’m focused on until I’m full and then I move on. My therapist says it’s ADHD; I just think I’m interesting.
Likes: Getting really attached to another fish, Twilight, True Blood
Dislikes: Getting catfished
Sheila (Basking Shark)
47, Oahu
Well, looky here — are you viewing my profile? Let me make it worth your while, sugar bean! I need to say this up front, though — I’m a married gal just looking for friends. Strictly planktonic.
My husband works in the music industry (maybe you’ve heard of his band, Cheap Krill?) and I keep busy with long-distance swimming and sunbathing. I’m looking for like-minded folks of any variety; you don’t have to have a fin to be my friend! Let’s agree up front not to discuss politics, though. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut.
Likes: Sunny days, meandering, goggles that don’t fog up underwater
Dislikes: Sailboats, being sedentary, Sea World
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Comments
Very clever and fun feature, Ms. Sherman. I can see some of elements of Larry in myself, and might be attracted to Cassandra here. Would she be open to seeing a divorced man (in part to the cubic zirconia ring discovery) no kids, loves dogs, but lives in Ca.? The last one’s a real deal breaker, I get it, but put in a good word for me anyway please.