Men I’m Not Married To

—From “Men I’m Not Married To” by Dorothy Parker, in our June 17, 1922, issue

Raymond: So long as you keep him well inland, Raymond will never give any trouble. But when he gets down to the seashore he affects a bathing suit fitted with little sleeves. On wading into the sea ankle-deep, he leans over and carefully applies handfuls of water to his wrists and forehead.

Lloyd wears washable neckties.

Henry: You would really be surprised at the number of things that Henry knows just a shade more about than anybody else does. Yet he never crashes in on his friends’ affairs. Only after the thing is done does he point out to you how it could have been done just a dash better. After you have signed the lease for the new apartment, Henry tells you where you could have got one cheaper and sunnier; after you are all tied up with the new employer, Henry explains to you where you made your big mistake in leaving the old one. It is never any news to me when I hear people telling Henry that he knows more about more things than anybody they ever saw in their lives. And I don’t remember ever having heard Henry give them any argument on that one.

Oliver has a way of dragging his mouth to one side, by means of an inserted forefinger, explaining to you, meanwhile, in necessarily obscured tones, the work which his dentist has just accomplished on his generously displayed back teeth.

Albert sprinkles powdered sugar on his sliced tomatoes.

This article is featured in the May/June 2022 issue of The Saturday Evening Post. Subscribe to the magazine for more art, inspiring stories, fiction, humor, and features from our archives.

Featured image: Illustrations by Tony Sarg for The Saturday Evening Post