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“Frankly, it’s all I can do to stay at the foot of the class.” Goldstein November 17, 1951
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might flunk me.” Goldstein November 4, 1950
“I’d have been promoted last year but my attendance was against me. I was there too much.” Al Kaufman October 14, 1950
“All those in favor or hearing Miss Tweedle sing will raise their right hands. All those opposed will stay after school.” Ned Hilton September 30, 1950
“I think our educational setup is all wrong. They place too much stress on learning.” Chon Day March 17, 1951
“I don’t remember the third grade being as tough as this!” Reamer Keller February 24, 1951
“Don’t you remember? You asked me that yesterday and I told you I don’t know.” Salo February 17, 1951
“You understand, of course, I’m not giving up the movie and TV rights!” Frank Beaven December 9, 1950
“Here’s the deal — you leave me alone and I leave you alone.” Goldstein November 18, 1950
Want even more laughs? Subscribe to the magazine for cartoons, art, inspiring stories, fiction, humor, and features from our archives.
Want even more laughs? Subscribe to the magazine for cartoons, art, inspiring stories, fiction, humor, and features from our archives.
“I’ve been here before.” Bill Harrison December 1, 1951
“There’s really nothing unusual about your condition, Mr. Phlinch, except for the fact that it is so seldom encountered in a person who is still living.” Bernhardt November 3, 1951
“At first I thought it was my car motor knocking.” George Smith September 15, 1951
“Now stop this nonsense, Mr. Fulvy, and get back on the table!” Galagher September 8, 1951
“I’m afraid I haven’t impressed you with the seriousness of your condition.” Al Johns July 4, 1959
“Feel as good as I did when I was twenty. Felt lousy then too.” Bill K January 5, 1952
“Take one upon going to bed, and the other if you wake up in the morning.” Vick Ericson December 29, 1951
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“To tell the truth — we get a little nervous along this stretch ourselves.” Frank Owen September 16, 1950
“We’re home — isn’t anyone going to get out?” Mort Walker September 16, 1950
“You’re terrible at giving directions, Ed. If it wasn’t for a guy in a gas station who knows you, we would’ve ended up nowhere near here.” Jeff Keate August 12, 1950
“At least the lawn I forgot to have mowed hides most of the newspapers you forgot to have stopped.” Larry Harris August 4, 1951
“We arrived here four months ago…intending to stay just overnight…but!…” Clyde Lamb July 22, 1950
“No need to wire ahead for reservations…” Chas. Cartwright June 30, 1951
“’Listen,’ I said to her, ‘this year we’re going to the mountains…’” Chon Day June 30, 1951
“Go on, snap it! How long do you think I’m going to stand here?” Larry Harris June 30, 1951
“Jangle the bell again. I know he gets his allowance today.” Ali August 12, 1950
“Daddy got the sails wet!” Ray Helle September 9, 1950
“…record throng of autos has jammed the highways leading to and from the city’s parks and beaches. State police report traffic moving at a snail’s pace on…” Marty Lowenstein July 7, 1951
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“Maybe there’s only ten of them now, but just wait till the bureaucrats get to work.” Baloo
“I know I promised you a new hat if I was elected, but you know how I am about campaign promises.” B. Tobey November 27, 1948
“Like I say, senator. When it comes to Federal spending, you can’t beat the American know-how.” May 20, 1950
“Have we got it straight now? I move that the report of the development committee be dispensed with. Joe here seconds the motion, and you, Pete, try to look disappointed.” Burr Shafer May 15, 1950“For a minute this deficit had me worried…I forgot I was working for the Government.” Roland Coe April 29, 1950
“Something one of the candidates said, dear?” Carl Rose April 15, 1944
“Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., credibility fell another seven points, reaching a new low for the year.” Marty Bucella
“It’s sure tough for a new pitcher to come in… with bases loaded and Williams at bat!” Clyde Lamb September 18, 1948
“Well I’ll be!…They do look different from back here!” H. Middlecamp July 17, 1948
“Beautiful pitch! I don’t believe he even saw it go by!” Tom Henderson July 10, 1948
“Pardon me, could I trouble you for the score?” Bob Gallivan June 26, 1948
“Pitchers, as a rule, aren’t heavy hitters.” Tom Henderson May 29, 1948
“And here comes Mickey Hearn looking for his second hit in today’s game: his sixth hit in this World Series; his 132nd hit of the season; his 481st hit in this ball park; his 517th hit off a left-hander; his 1318th hit in the majors; his…” Irwin Caplan October 16, 1948